So Over it

Some people really aren't all that cool when you get to know them a bit better...

I'm so over it

No longer broken hearted. Ever. Again.

I can't remember how I met most people. But I'll always remember how I met Her. I wasn't even sober but I remember every single little thing, where I was standing, where she was standing, how the sun felt against my skin and who I was talking to at the time. Since then a few years have passed she has flown in and out of my life, but since we are talking about two very busy people here that is understandable no? Thing is, the last few weeks, I have been on something of a motivational high. You know those days were you feel nothing can stop you? It seems, all of a sudden, that the key for this mindset is me thinking about Her. The dark side to this though seems that when I lay my head down to sleep, and have thoughts of the utmost clarity she can't escape my mind. It's as if I've captured her and she's a prisoner with no way of getting out at all. Even though I'm the Warden and I'd love to set her free my brain refuses and I find it far too hard to relax in case I don't see her in my dreams.

At times I feel some sort of feeling welling up inside me like a volcano about to erupt that gives me strength and a spring in my step when I think of Her. I'm not sure what Love is as I've never experienced it. If this is it I have a lump in my throat as I never thought anything could feel so real, so intense, so beautiful. I thought I was in love as a teen, but really that was just juvenile infatuation, and what comes with that is intense possessiveness and jealousy, insecurity and a lack of faith in yourself. Let's face it, it takes a rare type of teenager to fully love themselves and have true self confidence. You're always looking outside of yourself for validation and a buzz to keep yourself going. When you reach true adulthood you feel free of such neediness.

Which leads me to another confusing conundrum about this Love I am carrying. I have never considered myself a 'religious' person. I mean, God and Jesus and the Old Testament and Eternal Life etc etc. However the concept of 'Sin' is something that applies here. I feel as if it would be a total sin to woo this woman, she is perfect as she is and should be free to live her life and have fun and many adventures on her journey through this mortal coil we all experience alike. If we became 'involved' she would have a major restriction on what she could and couldn't do (notice the absence of 'can' and 'cannot') and keep her conscience crystal clear, certain ties would manifest that would stop her from changing certain things in her life because it may affect me. It would be like taking the most beautiful animal ever and shoving it into a cage. Inhuman, maybe. Conversely, the thought of another man laying his hands all over her, her thighs, her breasts, her gorgeous face, delicate neck and much more besides makes me feel a kind of pain and bitterness, as if someone could literally punch you in the soul. Let me state again, I'm not a religious person, but I feel there is something more to human beings than the mind and body, but whatever this 'spark' is it dies with them at the end of our journey. I feel this woman has genuinely touched this spark of mine with her smile, her manner as I feel lust and attraction for her but a little something else too. I couldn't care less if the feeling is reciprocated at all, as I thrive on my love and not needy. I don't know what I'm going to do about all of this, I feel compelled to write about it as I have previously stated, I'm a volcano about to pop, the pressure has to be addressed somehow or I'll lose my somewhat already insane mind.

My love won't die. And as a consequence, I can do anything I want. Watch out world.